dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
