I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize