My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
