she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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