you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
