there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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