Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
