life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
