I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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