pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize