If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
