i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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