Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
