God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
