so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
