I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
