Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
