i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
