I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize