I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
