The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
