Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize