I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
