bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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