Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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