So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm passing your future prison.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
