At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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