The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
