I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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