whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The police scanner is talking about you again....
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize