somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
