If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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