i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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