Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
