New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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