This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My bed smells like the plague
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
