My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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