I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
