I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
