he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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