I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
