i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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