this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
