My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
