theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
