Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
