Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You ate ashes out of my bong
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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