U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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