Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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