I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
