i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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