Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
