I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
