just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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