There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
