WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Randomize
