my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
