as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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