it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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