I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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