I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
