The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
