I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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