I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
