no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
