One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
