So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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