So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
These tits shall not be calmed
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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