I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
