I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
